Decision 2008: Some Gentle Suggestions (Part I)

To: The Presidential and Vice-Presidential Candidates

From: A Voter

John McCain: First of all, great job at last week's debate! You presented your views in a clear, concise manner, remained cordial throughout the evening, and even admitted to your past failings on a major foreign policy issue. Next time, though, you may want to consider beginning your rebuttals with something other than a version of "Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand..." Saying it once or twice wouldn't have been that bad, but five times? Really?

Also, you've been around for awhile. Age brings wisdom (Yay!), but it also brings heart disease and death (Boo.) Your running mate (who I'll get to in a minute) is somewhat unprepared to be president; so in the event that you are elected, I'd really appreciate it if you'd have daily check-ups, hire the best possible Secret Service agents, make a deal with God...basically do whatever you have to do to get through a 4-year presidency.

Finally, let's talk about your VP choice. Kudos on picking a woman, by the way. But did it have to be this particular woman? Could you not find a female GOP politician who has some sort of experience in foreign policy? Was Condoleeza Rice not available?

Just some things for you to think about.

Barack Obama: You also did very well at the debate. You held your own, explained your positions intelligently, and even managed a civilized retort to one of McCain's many, many references about what you "don't seem to understand." However...um, how can I put this without sounding like Ms. Manners? You know how sometimes someone will be talking and you really want to respond to what they're saying, but they're not done talking? Well, waiting until they are done talking before you start speaking your mind is called being polite, and talking while they're talking (which is what you did several times) is called interrupting. It makes people like me yell at their television sets for you to "stop that right now!" So I'd really love it if you'd work on that particular fault before the next debate. Thank you in advance for giving me what I'm sure will be your full cooperation.

Sarah Palin: Oh, Sarah. You really are not the best choice for VP. But you seem like a genuinely nice and down-to-earth woman, so I'm going to give you some pointers on talking to the media and answering questions.

Let's start with the Katie Couric interview. I could lie and say I sat through the whole thing, but I won't because I didn't even know about it until I saw the clips on The Daily Show. So I'll just address what I saw. First, the infamous magazines/newspapers question. Now, I can see how being on national television and fielding questions from a famous journalist might have rattled you a bit. I really think this is what happened because I doubt you've gone your whole life without reading an issue of Time, The Wall Street Journal, or U.S. and World Report. Next time, maybe take a moment to come up with a name - just one is fine - rather than blurting out something that makes you look somewhat less than intelligent.

Now we'll talk briefly about the abortion question. I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember every single word, but this is basically how it went down.

Katie Couric: "Would you make it illegal for a 15 year old girl to have an abortion if she became pregnant as a result of being raped by her father?"

You: "I would counsel her to choose life."

Since this in no way answered the question that Ms. Couric actually asked, she tried again.

Katie Couric: "Would you make it illegal for a 15 year old girl to have an abortion if she became pregnant as a result of being raped by her father?"

You: "I would counsel her to choose life."

You didn't answer the question. Twice. I would actually also counsel any pregnant female to have her baby. However, what I would counsel an individual to do is of little importance to American voters because I will never, ever be in a position to overturn Roe v. Wade or any other Supreme Court decision. You, however, could be. Counseling someone and changing U.S. law are two different things. Next time, please just answer the question that you're asked. It'll make you look less like a slick politician and more like a straight-talking woman that I really think people could admire.

This brings us to the VP debate. Now, based solely on the Couric clips, I really expected it to be a train wreck. But you did exceptionally well. You were humorous, pleasantly informal, and extremely personable. However, there were two areas for improvement. The first one goes back to the whole "answer the question you were asked" thing. If you're ever in a debate situation again, please don't go back to questions that were asked 30 minutes before.

Secondly, everyone has already heard the whole "McCain the Maverick" thing. Repeatedly. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's not true. It just means that the slogan had already been drilled, seared, stapled, and duct-taped into our brains before you repeated it ad nauseum last night. Once or twice is fine. Every time you say McCain's name is not.

I know it seems like I'm harping on you a lot, but I really just want you to do well. I'd also love it if you'd take a trip outside the U.S. It's really something that everyone should do at least once, especially if they aspire to high political positions.

Joe Biden: I haven't really been following you a lot, but you did a great job at the debate. You were very nice to Palin without being a pushover, and you came across as a likable guy. I also enjoyed it when you finally called Palin on the whole "Maverick" thing. It's hard for me to come up with anything you really did wrong, but that's partially because I was so shocked by how well your opponent was holding up. I think you did the same thing she did as far as going back to questions that were asked awhile ago. Please work on that.